today was the first day in march that has been both sunny, and warm enough to sit outside and eat lunch. in fact, i think it could well be the first day of 2007 that you could sit outside without being drenched on, gustfully blown, or just downcast upon by some very sodden looking black masses that woefully call themselves 'clouds' [nimbostratus/stratocumulus if i remember my science correctly..low hanging black clouds with a large density of precipitation]
and it was funny how one day [with something that vaugely resembled hope] can change the course of perception. for once, it didnt matter to me that 4.30 came around and i was tired. i didnt care that i had work to get on with whilst it was shining outside, because it was doing exactly that. shining outside. it was glorious. as i sat in the local college atrium, i felt the warmth on my back, people smiled, girls wore skirts and boys wore sandals and all was well in the beautiful kingdom of vancouver.
since january ive been mulling over big life decisions that involve my whereabouts this time next year. now how, when your career is all about other people you love can you make a decision like that?! how can i choose which group of people i will spend time with next year, when your heart is deeply in love with both?
it's like a dark love story, where a woman is passionately in love with two men, but she cannot decide who it is that will have all of her, because how can you decide that? its not a question of 'where' she is, its a question of 'who' and asking the 'who' side of the question makes you asses the ones you love.
Gods been teaching me peace amidst personal chaos in all of this too. And in this conext, it hasnt been the geographical 'where' of it all, its been the personal 'where' of my heart. am i staying in vancouver for purely selfish and personal reasons? [nb ive been discovering too, that its okay to have personal reasons for things....just as long as they dont come before the kingdom stuff] i had to ask the questions that made me cringe to find out whether or not i wanted to be here or there because i want to look good and have a good job with a flashy title.
on the days where the sunset bounces off the tips of the Two Lions and Grouse, where the cherry blossoms line the streets and their smell is more enticing than that of the local JJBeans and where the sun is so bright you feel like you could own the world, i want to give my entire life to vancouver.
on the days where its raining so much your socks can feel it, i want to get as far away as possible.
[i dont in heck know what i will be like as a wife. can you imagine? one day when his hair looks great, ill be all mush and love, and then the next, when the middle age spread sets in, i'll be further away than china. hopefully i will have more integrity and perseverance than that!]
but love is more than fuzz and feelings. and ive really discovered that with God. love is a covenant, which is even more meaningful and loving than a promise or decision. its a promise to stay with the decision, not for prides sakes, but for the sake of something divine. a covenant is a decision full of pure desire for the other to see your true intentions, even on those days when you cannot remember those intentions [God wanted to wipe the Israelites from his book....]
i've even been toying with the idea that we make a decision like this for our church. i dont think time itself has much to play here, we move on with God's leadings, but for those brief months/years that we are based in one church, do we make that desire filled decision to commit and serve? [i dont think to commit and serve your church necessarily means turning up 12 hours early for the service to clean the sanctuary and make sure you know how to use mediashout] to commit to the churches vision and listen out for God's voice when you ask him 'whats my reason to be here in this church?'
it also means that in those days where i couldnt really be bothered with my spiritual walk, i persevere. not because of some great person i will become because of it, and not even for the great feeling that we get when we connect with God [although that is surely a real gift], it is because of that marriage vow, covenant, commitment, desire filled decision.
maybe i am learning to be a better wife than the one who flees at the sight of some grey straggly hairs and the senior moments......
and it was funny how one day [with something that vaugely resembled hope] can change the course of perception. for once, it didnt matter to me that 4.30 came around and i was tired. i didnt care that i had work to get on with whilst it was shining outside, because it was doing exactly that. shining outside. it was glorious. as i sat in the local college atrium, i felt the warmth on my back, people smiled, girls wore skirts and boys wore sandals and all was well in the beautiful kingdom of vancouver.
since january ive been mulling over big life decisions that involve my whereabouts this time next year. now how, when your career is all about other people you love can you make a decision like that?! how can i choose which group of people i will spend time with next year, when your heart is deeply in love with both?
it's like a dark love story, where a woman is passionately in love with two men, but she cannot decide who it is that will have all of her, because how can you decide that? its not a question of 'where' she is, its a question of 'who' and asking the 'who' side of the question makes you asses the ones you love.
Gods been teaching me peace amidst personal chaos in all of this too. And in this conext, it hasnt been the geographical 'where' of it all, its been the personal 'where' of my heart. am i staying in vancouver for purely selfish and personal reasons? [nb ive been discovering too, that its okay to have personal reasons for things....just as long as they dont come before the kingdom stuff] i had to ask the questions that made me cringe to find out whether or not i wanted to be here or there because i want to look good and have a good job with a flashy title.
on the days where the sunset bounces off the tips of the Two Lions and Grouse, where the cherry blossoms line the streets and their smell is more enticing than that of the local JJBeans and where the sun is so bright you feel like you could own the world, i want to give my entire life to vancouver.
on the days where its raining so much your socks can feel it, i want to get as far away as possible.
[i dont in heck know what i will be like as a wife. can you imagine? one day when his hair looks great, ill be all mush and love, and then the next, when the middle age spread sets in, i'll be further away than china. hopefully i will have more integrity and perseverance than that!]
but love is more than fuzz and feelings. and ive really discovered that with God. love is a covenant, which is even more meaningful and loving than a promise or decision. its a promise to stay with the decision, not for prides sakes, but for the sake of something divine. a covenant is a decision full of pure desire for the other to see your true intentions, even on those days when you cannot remember those intentions [God wanted to wipe the Israelites from his book....]
i've even been toying with the idea that we make a decision like this for our church. i dont think time itself has much to play here, we move on with God's leadings, but for those brief months/years that we are based in one church, do we make that desire filled decision to commit and serve? [i dont think to commit and serve your church necessarily means turning up 12 hours early for the service to clean the sanctuary and make sure you know how to use mediashout] to commit to the churches vision and listen out for God's voice when you ask him 'whats my reason to be here in this church?'
it also means that in those days where i couldnt really be bothered with my spiritual walk, i persevere. not because of some great person i will become because of it, and not even for the great feeling that we get when we connect with God [although that is surely a real gift], it is because of that marriage vow, covenant, commitment, desire filled decision.
maybe i am learning to be a better wife than the one who flees at the sight of some grey straggly hairs and the senior moments......
